notwearingawire.net

Today would have been… On 31 July 1985, my little brother Jake was born.  I was 5 years old.  He was the bane of my existence for many years after that, because he took away most of my attention.  It wasn’t until I was older that I realized it wasn’t his fault.  In my last years of high school, when my mom was in medical school and Jake and I were left mostly to our own devices, I was a horrible, mean tyrant of a big sister until I realized  that I was angry and upset at other things and was taking it out on him and it wasn’t his fault.

When I was 17, and he was 12, we sat down and had a long talk with a lot of tears and apologies from my end.  Although he didn’t have to, and although I didn’t really deserve it, my little brother hugged me and told me it was alright, that he forgave me, and that he loved me.  I was such an asshole to that kid for so many years, but I loved him so much that it hurt.  We were much closer after that…

But then school ended, and I moved to on-campus housing at UTSA, and my mom and brother moved to North Carolina.  I went out there for Christmas that year, and I never would have dreamed that it would be the last time I ever saw my little brother.

We talked on the phone a lot over the next year and got even closer.  I helped him with homework, taught him how to cook things when my mom was gone for whole days at a time for her residency doctor stuff, and sat on the phone with him for hours and just talked to keep him company.  We were both really excited, because my mom was going to fly him to San Antonio for Christmas and he was going to spend the holiday hanging out with me.  We had all these plans for all the stuff we would do…

Right before Thanksgiving, though, on the night of 23 November 1998, I got the worst phone call of my life.  Just like that, in the blink of an eye, my world fell apart.  My grandmother was in a car on her way down from San Angelo and we were getting on a plane for North Carolina together.  My dad was on a plane from Oregon to San Antonio to be with me for a few hours before I left.  I was in a daze, because this couldn’t possibly be real, I was begging a god I didn’t believe in to make it not real, to make it all a bad dream.  At the age of 13, and with no explanation or warning, my little brother committed suicide.

I was mad at him for a long time, but now it’s been almost 9 years… forgiveness and acceptance is seeping in.  But I cannot even explain to you the hole that it leaves in your life when you lose your only sibling.  It’s a kind of alone-ness that is always there under the surface even when I have other people in my life.  It’s a big emptiness, where something is missing and I’ll never get it back.  It’s become a dull, quiet pain that’s forever lurking in the back of my mind.

All I have left is memories, and even those are few because his life was so short and I was so young for most of it.  But I hold on to them, in a secret little place in my heart, and I’ll never let go.

Today would have been Jake’s 22nd birthday.  Tonight, I will light a birthday candle and sing happy birthday in front of his picture, and blow it out for him.  Then, I’ll drink a beer for him, since he can’t do it himself.  That will be my little ritual.  I don’t think there is such a thing as an afterlife, but I really hope I am wrong.  If he’s out there, somewhere, I hope he sees my celebration of his birthday and smiles and knows how much I love him, and that I always will.

I miss you, little bro.

I was in the middle of writing out a long-ass post on Craigslist describing a bunch of free stuff I want to get rid of and something happened (I seriously have no idea what, I was in the middle of typing at the time) to make the page go “back” one, and when I clicked “forward” again it was allllll gone.

Fucking haaaaaaaate.

What a waste of an hour or so… I’m too pissed off and frustrated to rewrite it. Blargh.

In other news, omg Starcraft II.

Since 30 Jan, I have lost 11 lbs: 1.5 inches from my bust, .75 inches from my rib cage, .5 inches from my upper abdomen (love handles/above-belt jelly roll rawr), 1.75 inches from my waist, 1.25 inches from my lower abdomen (hips, ass, below-belt jelly roll lawl), and .25 inches each from my calf and ankle.

The good news, Part 1: I’m shrinking lawl
The bad news, Part 1: My boobies are shrinking faster than the rest of me for the most part

The good news, Part 2: At least my waist is still shrinking faster than my boobies.
The bad news, Part 2: My measurements for neck, arm, and thighs have remained completely unchanged since 30 Jan

The good news, Part 3: My clothes are starting to be much less snug
The bad news, Part 3: Meaning that the sexiness of my ass is obscured until I bite the bullet and buy new pants… and my bras are starting to not fit.

The good news, Part 4: I have no idea what’s causing me to lose weight, I’m not working out or anything, maybe it’s just falling off or being taken by magic fairies… but I’m not too concerned at this point, because 11 pounds in 2 months is really not that drastic of a loss, I don’t think
The bad news, Part 4: Or maybe my inexplicable weight loss means I have a tapeworm or cancer or something horrible.

Hmm.

That’s me… always the optimist.

Edit to add: Hopefully I’m losing fat and stuff and not muscle mass? I guess the measurements would be indicative… my strongest large muscles are definitely my thighs, and most of the major loss of inch-age seems to be concentrated in my torso, which is where the shameful bucket of yuck is centered. I don’t know anything about this sort of thing. Oatmeal for breakfast. English muffin, hard-boiled egg, and a shit-ton of fruit for lunch. And I say “fuck-all” to a sensible dinner and eat whatever the fuck I want. Hrrmmm. I really want to break past into the next digits down pretty soon. Somehow, nothing motivates me to lose weight more than watching the scale go down and going “Hey… keep doing that prz.”

She types, as she sits here and munches on Nerds while she finishes her last bottle of water for the night and goes to bed.
Last edit, last note: I’m now 35 lbs down from where I topped out 2.5 years ago and still dropping. (Has it actually been 2.5 years already? Wowza. What do you mean I’m not 22 anymore? Wait, what do you mean I’m not 19 anymore? Fuck, where is the time going? *checks under the couch*)

I talk about a lot of useless shit here sometimes.

Not an accurate representation of myself, honestly.

In fact, what I talk about most is the stuff I’m thinking about randomly, but consider too dumb to actually have live conversations about with other people.

…But I found this to be kind of interesting.

I was born on 15 January, 1980.

This makes me a Capricorn, an Earth sign in the Western zodiac usually represented by a goat, or a goat with the lower body of a fish.

This also means I was born in the Chinese year of the Sheep (also known as Ram or Goat), and that the specific year in which I was born happens to be tied to the elemental sign of Earth - making me an Earth Sheep, as the Earth element pertains to Chinese astrology.

Are we seeing a pattern here?

Look at some of these traits…

Capricorn: Practical, disciplined, patient, stubborn, tendency to depression and mood swings, strongly attracted to music, skeptical, profound and deep thinker, diplomatic, independent, humorous, reserved, grudging, fatalistic, persistent, goal-oriented
Earth Sign (Western): Realistic, stable, practical, dependable, hard-working, materialistic, negative, anti-social, logical, self-protective, cautious

Sheep (Chinese): Artistic, creative, considerate, desires approval of those they respect, requires too much attention, impose too much on those close to them, overly sensitive, often misinterprets situations, insecure, needs to feel loved and protected, shies away from confrontation (*boggles* talk about hitting the nail on the head…)
Earth (Chinese): Hard-working, patient, stable, ambitious, stubborn, responsible, long-term planning, reliable, disciplined, logical, sense of service and duty to others

Also, according to Wikipedia, the Chinese zodiac includes an “Inner Animal” that is based on the Lunar Month of your birth. Since January is usually the last month of the Chinese year, my “Inner Animal” would be the Ox…

Ox (Chinese): Strong leader, responsible, dependable, honest, hard-working, practical, patient, petty, stubborn, critical, possessive, sincere, logical, intelligent, articulate, eloquent.

I just find this kind of interesting… both Western and Chinese astrology seem to have some very similar things to say about me based on my date of birth. Some of it I agree with, some I do not; some is flattering, some is not; some seem to be so wildly off that they make me roll my eyes, and some seem to be frighteningly accurate.

Anyway.

CUE THE IMPERIAL MARCH!

Guys I think the Pope is Emperor Palpatine